Kissing 2018 goodbye is like leaving a comfortable relationship that you know is wrong for you. I spent more hours on the couch than I would like to admit.
In case you’re just getting here, we are converting a 40 foot school bus into a tiny house by ourselves and by we I mean my husband, Justin. During a project of this magnitude, Justin, the manager/builder/electrician/plumber/jack of all trades, requires time. Lots of time. I will break it down. In a regular week, he works about 3-24 hour shifts at the firehouse. He is off for 48 hours in between. While he is home he is either taking care of our toddler while I work or working on the bus. Those are his two states of being. It is exhausting for him, even when he isn’t having a “bus day” he is most likely thinking about/talking about or researching the moving parts and mysteries for the upcoming bus day. I see this man as a machine now. He rarely feels defeat and he believes he can learn/do anything. It’d almost seem arrogant if I wasn’t so proud to be his wife.
He has slowly unsolved problems that leave my eyes crossed and my bones tired from just hearing about. Seriously, when he tries to explain things to me, it’s the only time I can actually go blank and start to meditate. On the other hand, theres little old me. I have a role too, mine is just way less exciting to talk about. I am Mom and Wife. When he is at work, I am with Nova. When he is on the bus, I am with Nova, half of my time at work, I am with Nova. This is our design, we wanted to skip daycare and we have for 16 months.
It’s also exhausting in a totally other way as you moms and dads reading are familiar with. What I Desire But Cannot Have is time with both of my beloved family members. Not on the bus while he works, not standing by close so I can feel his company two rooms away and surprise him with lunch or a smoothie, but to go! To adventure! Ya know, the life that we are planning and building towards but like a snotty spoiled kid I WANT IT NOW. Yes, yes, I realize how childish I am for feeling this way and whining about it but thats the facts folks and I am here for The Truth.
We have had many fights this year that all follow the same course.
Me: I am bored and need excitement
Him: You need to be patient
Me: I don’t know how to do that
I have always been the planner. Looking up the fun cool place, making it happen. But this year I have been watching so much television just waiting for life to start. I wish I could go splash some water in January 2018 Vals face and say, “Hey! Get up! You don’t need your husband, You built your own adventure buddy and she’s sitting right there!” And I did of course do lots of fun things with her this year, but if there is a quota in exploring the world I am at about 25% of my annual needs. And it really comes down to me wanting it to be The Three of Us.
For now I dream of days on the road, finding hidden gems along the path. Soaking in a natural spring, steam rising over my grin. Splashing into the bottom of a waterfall with my daughter. Reaching out to hug a redwood. Dinner outside whenever we can on our biergarten table. Hanging hammocks for naps along the river. Waking up to snow covered peaks. Reaching into tide pools on the Pacific Coast. The Wild Unknown. Showing Nova different shades of earth. Climbing sand dunes, diving into lakes, dancing in the desert by firelight. Making coffee quietly in the bus kitchen and letting in a cool seaside breeze while they snore in the back then opening a paper-made book on my bus couch and feeling the peace wash over me. I want to cook all the meals and meet all the people and take ALL the pictures. 2019 will be the beginning of all of this. And I have my king, my dream maker, my rock to thank. Although, my little job is important, too.